Why Must We Be Perfect?

I’ve always thought of myself as a very in tune person. I am honest about how I feel and have no problem admitting when I am upset, sad, scared or angry. “Get it out and move on” has always been my mantra. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about looking on the positive side but I know that you need to embrace all emotions in order to live a life full of joy. Love yourself unconditionally and accept all your strengths and weaknesses, just like you accept others.

Now that sounds great on paper, doesn't it? Logically, I believe everything I just said, but do I truly practice that on a daily basis? Hm...that’s the real question, right? Well sometimes, yes, and sometimes, no. Just like everyone else, I am a work in progress and just when I think I’ve got something down, there is something new for me to discover and learn about myself.  

Recently, I gave myself a bit of a scare. I had been having a lot of pressure in my head due to allergies and muscle tightness in my neck area. It got to the point where I was feeling so weird and not myself that I called 911 and went in an ambulance to the hospital. That was a first for me. I started panicking so intensely that my heart palpitated and my body got all tingly. I was extremely scared and didn’t want to take any chances.

My 15 year old son was with me in the ambulance and soon friends and family were at my side. After hours of testing from head to toe and multiple doctors and nurses, the amazing news was that nothing was wrong, I was one fine, healthy specimen.  

So what caused me to feel this way? Well, it could have been several things, but the biggest thing was that I was freaking out. I wasn’t used to feeling that way and I started getting very  anxious and probably caused my heart to start pounding and my body to get all shaky. Man oh man, the mind is a powerful thing.

The silver lining is this: going to the hospital was actually a blessing in disguise. I was given a huge gift that I didn’t even realize I needed. Besides ordering a bunch of blood work, chest x-rays, and an EKG, they also decided to do a CT scan of my head because I was complaining of a tingly feeling and pain. When the doctor came back and said my brain looked great, I gave her a huge hug and began crying. I realized right then that I had been holding on to fears for a very, very long time about my brain health due to some family members and friends who had bad experiences.  I must have been suppressing it for a long time and when my head was hurting from the tightness in my neck and allergies I began imagining the worst and worked myself into an anxiety attack.

How bizarre that I didn’t want to admit how the illnesses of family and friends had impacted my life. Instead of dealing with the fear and pain all along, I kept it bottled up until a miracle like this happened so I could discover something I didn’t even realize I had been living with for many years.

I honestly thought it was overkill when the doctor ordered a cat scan of my brain, but now I realize what a blessing it was and how free I felt.

Now, I am not saying that I will never suppress my feelings again but I do know that it has made me mindful of admitting more when things bother me and being ok with not always being the positive one. Or even bigger, admitting when I need help from others.

I am sending you much joy and laughter and a special thanks to my angels who are always looking out for me.